Interview with a James Rosenquist painting

Interview with a James Rosenquist painting

In 1964 pop artist James Rosenquist completed a painting of Hollywood actress Joan Crawford, copied directly from an advert she had appeared in endorsing Camel cigarettes. Joan Crawford Says is housed in the Pop Art section of Museum Ludwig in Cologne, Germany, and I’m here today to interview her. After a warning from security staff that I am strictly not to photograph her, I approach the artwork. Her frozen smile and a strong smell of stale gin are what greet me when I walk up to the canvas. The glossy lips part slightly and her eyes sparkle as she acknowledges me with well rehearsed sincerity.

Joan: Hello darling, so lovely to meet you!

ThePeakingMannequin: Lovely to meet you too Miss Crawford.

Joan: Darling! Call me Joan. May I interest you in a deliciously mild Camel cigarette?

TPM: No, I’m alright thank you.

Joan: They’re very good, I insist you have one. Martini? Gin and tonic?

TPM: It’s nine in the morning...

Joan: And?

TPM: Never mind, I’ll just get straight into the interview if you don’t mind.

Joan: Well, actually I do mind, this is my home and you will do as I say. You will call me Joan Dearest. And you will have a Martini. And a deliciously mild Camel cigarette. Right now.

TPM: I’m sorry, we seem to have got off on the wrong foot, I didn’t mean to offend you Joan.

Joan: Joan what?!

TPM: Sorry, Joan Dearest.

Joan: There, that’s better now isn’t it? Let me light your Camel cigarette.

TPM: Thank you... May we start the interview now?

Joan: We will start the interview when I say, understand?

TPM: Um... Okay?

Joan: Okay what?

TPM: Okay Joan Dearest, sorry.

Joan: Stop apologising, you sound like a grovelling little shit, pull your shoulders back too. And what the hell is wrong with your jacket? I can tell that it’s been hanging on a wire hanger. I hate wire hangers. It makes clothes look cheap. Cheap and nasty. If you put more effort into your appearance it would really pay off. But then again you can’t polish a turd. 

TPM: Excuse me?

Joan: I apologise, I forget sometimes that not everyone can look like me. I put a lot of effort into this you know.

TPM: Oh, do you have a daily beauty routine?

Joan: Finally, a worthwhile question. Yes, I rise daily at 4.30 AM, scrub my face with a soap flakes and a pumice stone, and then rub it down with pure alcohol. After that I’ll soak my entire head in a basin of frigid water and ice cubes, before steaming my pores open with an industrial strength hairdryer. Open pores are very important as a receptacle for my powder. I use only the best Italian white lead powder on my face, then apply a tinge of blood to my cheeks and lips to give them a healthy glow.

TPM: Your own blood??

Joan: No, of course not! What ridiculous ideas you have in that silly little plain-looking head of yours, stupid boy. No, I get it from my daughter, Christina. Children’s blood is best, it keeps one youthful. Finally I curl my hair with a red hot poker and dowse it in wood varnish until it hardens into my lacquered quaff which I so favour. A touch of mascara and I’m done!

TPM: Wow, you really are a painting. Are you a fan of James Rosenquist’s work?

Joan: Who?

TPM: Never mind. What is your view on art?

Joan: Well I collect it myself, I have a number of gelatine prints of me in my earlier films adorning my walls. I also maintain a collection of porcelain dogs, Shih Tzus, Daschunds, that sort of thing. They take pride of place on my mantelpiece. They really are my children.

TPM: What about your actual children?

Joan: Those little ingrates! I can’t stand brats, they distract me from my goals. Why, just last week I was rehearsing in my parlour for an upcoming role, it’s all very hush hush, but anyway my daughter Christina comes in whining about a picture she’d drawn. I said, Mummy’s busy, I said. But the little shit persisted. Luckily I have very sharp nails, I have a diamond edge nail file you see. Anyway the picture ended up in ribbons on the ground within a matter of seconds and the girl learnt her lesson. Don’t interrupt Mummy when she’s working! (laughs)

TPM: What are your style secrets?

Joan: I always say, no one likes a round bosom. I get my brassieres made personally by a New York steel welder at great cost, but I feel it’s worth it to maintain that conical shape which is so alluring. Also, I never wear anything but the latest Parisian gowns. Anything less than that starts looking cheap. Completely cheap and nasty. This Schiaparelli I’m wearing now cost more than you would earn in ten years, probably twenty. I had some spare cash left over from my Haiti fundraiser you see, so I said screw it, sixteen hundred and eighty seven gowns are not enough. I’m frivolous like that, it’s a side of me people don’t often see, I can be fun. Finally, I never leave the house without a fur, even in summer. I would rather swelter in mink than let people think I’m poor.

TPM: Wow. I have no words.

Joan: (laughs) It’s a common reaction darling, I’m used to leaving people speechless. It comes with the territory of being a starlet. It’s interesting, you see, because people always manage to find words around Bette Davis, she’s very plain looking in my eyes. Blondes are so pedestrian. I always say you can measure a starlet by the words she takes away. I’m witty like that, you see. I’m actually working on writing a comedy picture at the moment.

TPM: Is it about a sell-out, phony, abusive, alcoholic, menopausal actress, past her prime and trying desperately to cover her own insecurities by attacking anyone who might see her for what she really is?

Joan: Yes! Camel Cigarette?

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